It seems that I’ve been rolling in some new emotional turmoil over the last few days. Mining the depths of some newfound psychological…whatever.
I say “new” because I know I’ve experienced bouts of anger, and frustration, and doubt, and questioning at certain times, in certain situations; and this isn’t any of those. Those other things have sources. They have causes. They have answers. For the most part.
This? I have no idea where it came from, and it took me up to yesterday to finally put a finger on what it is that I think I’m dealing with here…
And the thing I’m discovering (and those who suffer from recurrent depression will probably nod their heads in agreement) is that there really is no reason for it. It just…is.
If I were to take this to a friend, the conversation would probably go something like…
Them: “What’s wrong?”
Them: “What can I do?”
Them: “What do you need?”
Me: “…I don’t know.”
One of the interesting things about it is that among the home group I’m a part of there are actual people going through actual stuff in their actual lives: financial burdens; major relationship struggles to the point of being “just done”; there’s even someone struggling with cancer who may or may not have much longer to live.
In other words, there are real issues, with real, tangible struggles attached to them.
But not this.
Whatever it is I’m going through, it just…is.
I passed by the local high school when lunch was getting out. There were all sorts of kids milling around, laughing, joking, having a good time, with not a care in the world. But even that, I know, is not really true. I was a teenager once–enrapt in a world of budding sexuality, of peer pressure, of grade pressure, of parental expectation, of personal expectation. And yet somehow I managed to get through, just as I know I’ll get through this.
Whatever it is. Whatever the cause.
And through it all, I still believe in the goodness of God. My hope may be hanging on by the thinnest of threads, but it’s still there. I just pray that the strand gets bigger as I continue to strain and pull as this unending thread continues to coil at my feet. But for now I’ll just hold on. “This too shall pass” as I’ve heard said. I’m simply going to hold tight, and I’m going to fast (at least for a while), and I’m going to pray that the enemy grows tired of whatever this spiritual shit is that’s going on and moves on.
He’s not going to win. He’s not wanted here. And he knows that. For whatever reason, he’s just not going quietly into that dark night. And though I don’t feel my ally, my intercessor, my “helper”, at the moment, I rest in the assurance that He is still there. As I heard in a song once:
I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can’t explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life
We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen