Even Through This S@*#, I Still Believe In God

depressionIt seems that I’ve been rolling in some new emotional turmoil over the last few days. Mining the depths of some newfound psychological…whatever.
I say “new” because I know I’ve experienced bouts of anger, and frustration, and doubt, and questioning at certain times, in certain situations; and this isn’t any of those. Those other things have sources. They have causes. They have answers. For the most part.

This? I have no idea where it came from, and it took me up to yesterday to finally put a finger on what it is that I think I’m dealing with here…

It’s depression.

And the thing I’m discovering (and those who suffer from recurrent depression will probably nod their heads in agreement) is that there really is no reason for it. It just…is.

If I were to take this to a friend, the conversation would probably go something like…

Them: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Them: “What can I do?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Them: “What do you need?”
Me: “…I don’t know.”

One of the interesting things about it is that among the home group I’m a part of there are actual people going through actual stuff in their actual lives: financial burdens; major relationship struggles to the point of being “just done”; there’s even someone struggling with cancer who may or may not have much longer to live.
In other words, there are real issues, with real, tangible struggles attached to them.

But not this.

Whatever it is I’m going through, it just…is.

I passed by the local high school when lunch was getting out. There were all sorts of kids milling around, laughing, joking, having a good time, with not a care in the world. But even that, I know, is not really true. I was a teenager once–enrapt in a world of budding sexuality, of peer pressure, of grade pressure, of parental expectation, of personal expectation. And yet somehow I managed to get through, just as I know I’ll get through this.

Whatever it is. Whatever the cause.

And through it all, I still believe in the goodness of God. My hope may be hanging on by the thinnest of threads, but it’s still there. I just pray that the strand gets bigger as I continue to strain and pull as this unending thread continues to coil at my feet. But for now I’ll just hold on. “This too shall pass” as I’ve heard said. I’m simply going to hold tight, and I’m going to fast (at least for a while), and I’m going to pray that the enemy grows tired of whatever this spiritual shit is that’s going on and moves on.

He’s not going to win. He’s not wanted here. And he knows that. For whatever reason, he’s just not going quietly into that dark night. And though I don’t feel my ally, my intercessor, my “helper”, at the moment, I rest in the assurance that He is still there. As I heard in a song once:

I cried out with no reply
And I can’t feel You by my side
So I’ll hold tight to what I know
You’re here and I”m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can’t explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You’ve placed in my life

We cannot separate
‘Cause You’re part of me
And though You’re invisible
I’ll trust the unseen

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3 thoughts on “Even Through This S@*#, I Still Believe In God”

  1. Wow—this really hits me where I live. I have a long history of depression, but many years ago with the help of an excellent Psychiatrist ( a man of God), and also appropriate medication, I was able to enjoy a MUCH happier life. In fact, I felt brand new!
    However, last December depression and anxiety hit me hard and I have slowly been climbing upward since. It was interesting that my brother and sister both got hit during this same time period. The beauty of Spring, along with an increase of sun exposure help me, but I still feel that “black dog” lurking under the surface.
    I think the thing that is hardest is that it’s hard to feel God’s help at times, and then you are tempted to believe you just aren’t worthy of his help. I know—-Satan’s LIES! I know God is there and he DOES care, but for unknown reasons he does not remove this “thorn in the flesh” completely. Paul spoke of pleading three times for his personal “thorn to be removed”–I wonder if he suffered from depression, too… Even though I “feel” abandoned sometimes, I choose to dismiss those feelings and to trust in what I KNOW. I still have faith that God IS helping me. I pray often and give thanks for my blessings and I acknowledge his tender, watchful care. I DO feel his spirit, and praying and reading the scriptures give me strength, along with trying to focus my thoughts on the positive. Perhaps I just have to accept some things—the fact that getting up and meeting the day is hard, feelings of apathy, dread, anxiety, fear or just blahhhh..Maybe I just need to tell myself, “ok–this is what is–so just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.” You are not alone, and this IS going to get better.

  2. Kent, I really hate to hear that you’re having a tough time. I was pretty down recently, but it was because of some stress at work — things are better now. So, I think I can imagine a bit of what you’re going through… it sucks. Just know I’ll be thinking about you, and if there’s anything at all I can do, you know where to find me.

    I’ll touch base with you soon. 🙂

    1. Thanks Nate. It’s good to hear from you. I’m missing our conversations. It’s getting better lately. Most times now something will just hit me out of nowhere and knock me down a bit, but overall I’m doing better. There’s a lot of stuff going on at the moment and I just feel torn in a million directions with no real progress on any of it…you can probably relate to that, too. Anyway, talk to you soon.

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