Monday Rewind ~ How to Piss Off a Christian [Let Me Count the Ways]

Now THAT'S a protest sign

[Here’s a second look at a post I first published on 11/19/2012]

2.3 million hits when you Google “How to piss off a Christian”; and my humble little post from May 2012 is number #2 (no pun intended . . . stop giggling!)

[edit: as of 5/4/13 this very post has surpassed my original May 2012 post in popularity, yet currently sits at #4 in Google search results, dang it!  Still . . . ]

I’m so . . . umm, proud.

How did I get so famous?  Why are so many people looking to piss off Christians?  After all, is it really that hard?  Just tell them you’re a pro-choice, gay, atheist liberal, who voted for the African-born, Muslim Socialist.

See!  It’s not like its difficult.

I guess we Christians can’t complain though; we’ve got nothing on the Buddhists.  Type in “How to piss off a Buddhist” and you get over 14 million hits.  Then again, Muslims and Atheists really aren’t pulling their weight though, with only 1.2 and 1.4 million hits respectively.

[edit: Wow! Apparently they’ve really cleaned up the internet lately!  As of 5/4/2013, Buddhists now sit at 2.77 million.  Muslims are at 788,000 and Atheists sit at a comfortable 251,000.  Apparently no one’s upset with Atheists anymore, hehe!]

C’mon, people! We can rally animosity better than that!

Still, that’s almost 20 million [now 6+ million, or about the same as the search for “How to piss off your dog”] different sites, posts, articles and so on dedicated to poking the bear of just four of the top religious beliefs in the world.

That’s [a marked improvement in a few short months, but still . . .] a lot of venom.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s truly that much need for hatred and anger around the world or if this is just a hobby for some people: Like making those endless parades of overly cute animal pictures [can you say Grumpy Cat?!!] with the deprecating sayings on them; or the “do you remember what these are . . .” posts on Facebook.  (Yes, I do.  It’s an eight-track player. Please stop.  I still can’t listen to Rush’s 2112 without expecting it to fade out halfway through the twenty minute title track.)

And, I’m sorry, but the suggestions they give you on how to piss off Christians, honestly, are just silly.  I mean, some of them aren’t even trying. . . [and yes, these are all still there.]

Say [to the Christian]: “If you walk at an average speed of three miles an hour and rest 18 hours every day, you can circle the globe in 40 years. That must have been one big desert!”


Tell them: “Donkey’s sometimes talk. It’s in the Bible.”

You see, that’s the problem with an omnipotent God, he can pretty well do what he wants.  If he wants monkeys to fly out of your, umm . . . well, he can.  Just ask Bruce Almighty.

Atheists fare no better . . .

“Before starting an argument, say “You’re an atheist? That means you’re going to hell!”

Yeeahhh, that’ll work.  Or even better . . .

“Drink the last beer in the fridge.”
“…and buy natural light to replace it.”

I don’t even know why these two were on the list.  After all, that would pretty much annoy anyone.

I don’t want to come off with a Rodney King appeal of, “can’t we all just get along?”, but really, don’t we all have anything better to do?

Well maybe, maybe not.

Still . . . am I sorry I wrote that May blogpost?  Mmmm, not really; though the guy I was writing about wasn’t too far removed from the, “You’re an Atheist and you’re going to Hell” argument.  I will say I’m not called to judge people, and for any post in the past that I’ve written with that tone, I am sorry.  I’m also not called to judge whether or not people are going to Hell.  That’s not my job.  My job is twofold, and twofold only: Love God, and love others.  That’s it.  Done.

Buddhists, Muslims, Atheists . . . I love you guys!  Though I may not agree with you on faith and belief, I’m not called to agree with you.  I’m called to love you.  And that includes my Christian brethren who think that name-calling, hell-baiting, hate-spewing picket signs and replacing perfectly good beer with “less filling” is going to get people to change their ways.

How’s that workin’ for ya?

We’re not perfect.  We’re just human.

And as humans, we’re pretty easy to piss off.  Just ask the pro-choice, gay, atheist liberal voting for the African-born, Muslim Socialist.  Nobody likes that guy.  He pisses everybody off!

2 thoughts on “Monday Rewind ~ How to Piss Off a Christian [Let Me Count the Ways]”

  1. Hi Kent,

    Google sometimes tailors its results to suit each individual, so I was interested to see that when I googled I also got 2.4 m hits, with your November post at No 4.

    But have you wondered who are these people coming to your site from this Google search? Judging by the other top ranking sites, your visitors are probably atheists or anti-christians who are seriously looking at this question. So your post has probably pissed them off no end – do you feel a new post coming on? – How to piss off an atheist by attracting them to a christian site when they search for ‘How to piss off a christian’. ???

    Might be the first post you do where the title is longer than the post! 🙂

    1. Oh yeah, I’ll get multiple hits per day based on variations of that theme, and I’m sure the vast majority are either atheistic or out-and-out antagonists. It took me by surprise with the first (May ’12) post; and to a certain extent still does–just how many people, and how often, that search term comes up. That’s why I did this second one in November. It was kind of my “don’t we all have anything better to do??” plea. Well . . . apparently not. I’m actually kinda happy they stop by, no matter their belief; it’ll either get them to think, or it’ll poke the bear. I’m fine with either 🙂

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