How to Piss Off a Christian ~ Let Me Count the Ways

2.7 million hits when you Google “How to piss off a Christian”; and my humble little post from last May is number #2 (no pun intended . . . stop giggling!)

[edit: as of 5/4/13 this very post has surpassed it yet slipped to #4 dang it!  Still . . . ]

I’m so . . . umm, proud.

How did I get so famous?  Why are so many people looking to piss off Christians?  After all, is it really that hard?  Just tell them you’re a pro-choice, gay, atheist liberal, who voted for the African-born, Muslim Socialist.

See!  It’s not like its difficult.

I guess we Christians can’t complain though; we’ve got nothing on the Buddhists.  Type in “How to piss off a Buddhist” and you get over 14 million hits.  That’s quite a lot.  Muslims and Atheists really aren’t pulling their weight though, with only 1.2 and 1.4 million hits respectively.

C’mon, people! We can rally animosity better than that!

Still, that’s almost 20 million different sites, posts, articles and so on dedicated to poking the bear of just four of the top religious beliefs in the world.

That’s a lot of venom.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s truly that much need for hatred and anger around the world or if this is just a hobby for some people: Like making those endless parades of overly cute animal pictures with the deprecating sayings on them; or the “do you remember what these are . . .” posts on Facebook.  (Yes, I do.  It’s an eight-track player. Please stop.  I still can’t listen to Rush’s 2112 without expecting it to fade out halfway through the twenty minute title track.)

And, I’m sorry, but the suggestions they give you on how to piss off Christians, honestly, are just silly.  I mean, some of them aren’t even trying. . .

Say [to the Christian]: “If you walk at an average speed of three miles an hour and rest 18 hours every day, you can circle the globe in 40 years. That must have been one big desert!”


Tell them: “Donkey’s sometimes talk. It’s in the Bible.”

You see, that’s the problem with an omnipotent God, he can pretty well do what he wants.  If he wants monkeys to fly out of your, umm . . . well, he can.  Just ask Bruce Almighty.

Atheists fare no better . . .

“Before starting an argument, say “You’re an atheist? That means you’re going to hell!”

Yeeahhh, that’ll work.

“Drink the last beer in the fridge.”
“…and buy natural light to replace it.”

I don’t even know why these two were on the list.  After all, that would pretty much annoy anyone.

I don’t want to come off with a Rodney King appeal of, “can’t we all just get along?”, but really, don’t we all have anything better to do?

Well maybe, maybe not.

Still . . . am I sorry I wrote that May blogpost?  Mmmm, not really; though the guy I was writing about wasn’t too far removed from the, “You’re an Atheist and you’re going to Hell” argument.  I will say I’m not called to judge people, and for any post in the past that I’ve written with that tone, I am sorry.  I’m also not called to judge whether or not people are going to Hell.  That’s not my job.  My job is twofold, and twofold only: Love God, and love others.  That’s it.  Done.

Buddhists, Muslims, Atheists . . . I love you guys!  Though I may not agree with you on faith and belief, I’m not called to agree with you.  I’m called to love you.  And that includes my Christian brethren who think that name-calling, hell-baiting, hate-spewing picket signs and replacing perfectly good beer with “less filling” is going to get people to change their ways.

How’s that workin’ for ya?

We’re not perfect.  We’re just human.

And as humans, we’re pretty easy to piss off.  Just ask the pro-choice, gay, atheist liberal voting for the African-born, Muslim Socialist.  Nobody likes that guy.  He pisses everybody off!

9 thoughts on “How to Piss Off a Christian ~ Let Me Count the Ways”

  1. It seems like a sign of our times that people are so quickly angered, and I have so often experienced Satan’s efforts to put wedges between me and others. Maybe that’s why Christ prayed that we would be one with He and the Father—AND with one another. The Epistles of John so clearly and beautifully teach the love that true followers of Christ seek–“If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. Hereby know we that we dwell in Him, and He in us, because He hath given us His spirit. (1 John 4:12&13) Also James 3:8-10: “But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
    Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.” Interesting that he states that no “man” can tame the tongue. Obviously, it is only through the power of God that we can make progress in eventually overcoming our poisonous tongues. I am bracing myself for the holiday season in retail. HELP!!! Sure need some divine support to keep me from spewing out my own personal brand of poison!

    1. Thank you as always for the sage words, Maryann. And good luck with the kids dept. @ B&N this holiday season! Cheryl has to keep reminding me that I can’t be a Grinch this year ‘cuz, for the first time in ten years actually, I’m not in retail over the holidays. (Still feeling ‘Bah Humbug’-ish when I hear Christmas music though).

  2. Just read this again. Wow, commenting twice on the same post…possibly obsessive, but we’ll hope not. I’ve had some comments to my blog by the “I know the TRUE interpretation of every word in the Bible because I am 1) a scholar who knows ALL the jots and tittles, or 2) because I’m an idiot with a hotline to God and I’m entitled to tell you the TRUTH. Your like directed me back here, and it is PERFECT! Do you have an e-mail follow option (didn’t see it) – my reader doesn’t display too well, so I don’t go there often and miss your new posts. Thanks for the laugh and anti-intense focus…again! Diane

    1. “Do you have an e-mail follow option…”

      I do now!! Never paid attention to the fact I didn’t have one until you pointed it out. Thanks!

      “I’ve had some comments to my blog by the “I know the TRUE interpretation of every word in the Bible because…”

      I understand completely. I’ve found myself on both sides of those discussions, unfortunately. I have just as many beliefs, passions, interpretations and hot-buttons as the next person, but I’ve just found it easier to err on the side of grace and love especially since I don’t know anyone’s faith walk except my own. As far as being a “scholar”, it seems the more I read of Scripture, the less I feel I know; and the more I feel interested in learning and understanding.

      Thank you for the kind words, and even the “little harsh” ones, ha ha! 🙂

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