Reading Hebrews/As The Struggle Continues

Hebrews.

Something told me to read Hebrews.

I was watching a show on the National Geographic channel on “The Secret Lives of the Apostles”–I absolutely love the “religious” shows on the “science” channels–and they were bringing up some of the writings contained in the book of Hebrews.  Somewhere along the way the thought hit me, “That sounds intriguing. I think I’ll read that book next.”  And off I go . . .

I’ve been struggling lately with, I guess you could call it “restlessness”. Its that uneasy feeling that either, a) “I’m not doing enough”; b) “I could be doing more”; or c) “What the h@!! am I doing?”

As most of you know, my life at the moment makes absolutely no sense in “worldly” terms.  I’m currently not drawing a wage.  (What the h@!! am I doing!)  My wife hasn’t drawn a wage in almost two years now, even though she’s doing arguably the hardest “job” in the world–being a mother. (A damn good one too! Hi honey!)  We’ve been living, for the past four months, on a portion of our meager savings while I’ve been shuffling my time between writing (I could be doing more!), fathering (ditto), and our non-profit organization Ds Connections Nw (I’m not doing enough!).  Yet, I look back over these last several months and I find it hard to believe, especially from God’s perspective, that I’ve made a wrong choice.

About the time of this grand decision (see A Simple Yes Or No and The Great Adventure for vivid details), my wife and I both we’re convicted by reading Francis Chan’s excellent “Crazy Love” book.  A church in our area was beginning a series on that very topic, including a sermon from Chan himself.  We also happened to fall into a small group (if 20+ people could be considered “small”) full of a terrific and incredibly supportive cast of characters.  I began meeting with one guy in particular (yeah, that guy from “Church”)  with time spent in amazingly uplifting and convicting discussions.  Then there’s the chance cyber-meeting of fellow blogger Guy Wolfe, who I was privileged to be able to walk with through the recent, tragic loss of his young baby butterfly, Mia.

None of this would have happened, let alone continue to happen, without having walked away from my ten-year position at Barnes & Noble and having the willingness and TIME to do it all.  I’m incredibly grateful, awe-struck and, as I said, privileged to be where I am today, the world be damned!

Still I doubt. I question. I struggle.

I’m human.

So . . . Hebrews . . . the little voice inside that told me I should read it . . .

Hebrews 10: 23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. 24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. 25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near . . . .

35 So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! 36 Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

I needed that today . . . and over this past week . . . and probably for the weeks to come.  I know I’m going to continue to struggle with this decision.  Yet I rest in the peace that comes from understanding that the friendships I’ve made, the reconnections with my family, the rediscovery of my faith–these can’t be wrong!  I have no idea what the future holds, beyond today.

Matthew 6: 25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? . . .

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  34 “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.

And yes, I know I’ve posted good old Matthew before . . . yet I constantly find myself in need of remembering: Remembering His promises; Remembering His covenant; Remembering who He is . . .

I thought maybe today you could too.

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5 thoughts on “Reading Hebrews/As The Struggle Continues”

  1. Hey Kent, I’m not exactly sure what the h@!! you’re doing either. If it helps, I walked away from a good-paying gig in ministry in favor of unemployment. God has led me to where I am. I’m making less money on paper but we have all we need and we’re doing just what He’s put us here to do – can’t ask for more. Thought you could use a word from the other side of the rise. Be blessed, brother. I’m praying for you.

    1. Thank you for the words of encouragement. As you probably well know, it’s a roller coaster ride of knowing/doubting/positive/negative/up/down. I know we’ll get through, its just a constant mental conversation to remind myself that He’s got it under control.

  2. Ah ha! A fellow Francis Chan fan. People who listen to Chan do crazy things! Like follow Christ whole-heartedly and with complete abandon; denying all rights to self and the things of this world. Good for you!!

    1. We made three decisions that changed our lives; reading Chan’s “Crazy Love”, getting in to a killer small group, and saying, ‘Okay God, we’re in!” Now just hanging on for the ride. Where we’re going I’m not sure, but I haven’t felt this good in years! Thanks for stopping by!

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